Once again I find a perfectly decent human being bullied and exhausted by the stress of divorce so that she is ready to accept whatever he offers in the face of his threat to “get tough” if she goes to a solicitor! After years of struggling to be heard as a grown woman inside her marriage, she is giving up, going back to Mum, and throwing in the towel.
I have been there, I can tell you. You feel totally wrecked by the process of separation, by the haranguing and arguments, by the self-disappointment and the anger at betrayal. There is always tomorrow, you believe. I can make it without him, you say. Just agree to it and let me get on with my life, I hear.
And five or seven or ten years later you wonder where that lovely vase that Aunty Peggy gave you is….? And what ever happened to the good lace christening gown the children were christened in…? I used to have……. but I don”t know where it is any more. Memories are slowly eroded by time and circumstance, and there is no longer the money to replace them, if indeed they can be replaced.
When the dust settles, you can hear others” stories and how “you should have” …. and “he should have never”….. and “if only you had known to ask for….”. No matter how tired, exhausted, angry, tearful or shamed, you should not settle your divorce property without experienced help from a lawyer. They are not emotional about it. They are not going home crying at night, or worried that repercussions will happen for the kids or for you. They are able by a glance or a look to assure the other side that this offer is or is not acceptable, and therefore justice can/cannot be done that way. They know the law, which you do not (no matter what your friends tell you their lawyer said) and they know how things should be divided under the law.
Unless there is no property to divide, and no kids to provide for, do-it-yourself divorce is nearly akin to DIY brain surgery; you need to be online slots asleep to escape the pain and asleep you cannot get a good result. So get someone else to do it for you.
It is often heard that the lawyers will screw you in legal fees. But they won”t screw you half as much as a nasty soon-to-be-ex spouse will. Bitterness is not a good companion for Fairness.
Having said that lawyers should be selected on the basis of trust, i..e. how much YOU feel you can trust them, instinctively, not how angry they can get on your behalf! Angry lawyers are as much use as torn toilet paper, they are found to have holes all over them or their arguments. Calm, thoughtful, reassuring advice is what you need, from someone stronger than you who can face the enemy with understated strength and determination, not raised voices. “He who shouts first, loses”.
Women are sometimes goaded into going to lady lawyers who behave like washer-women in court, on the assumption that this behaviour wins the day. Courts are not so stupid. They know a good point when they hear it, no matter who it comes from. But the courts and judges generally are often put off by superior attitudes, and angry counsel.
So, don”t do it yourself if you feel “beaten up””. See an experienced lawyer, do a deal on costs, and let them at the enemy. That way you get to sleep at night and can minimise the damage to your self-esteem. Believe me, your self-esteem will need all the help it can get, so don”t be responsible for any more damage than is absolutely necessary. After all, if the lawyer is being too tough, you can always play Lady Bountiful and gracefully call off the hounds by conceding anything which is not important to you. It won”t feel like losing a point, more like being the lady you are!