When someone mentions the word jealousy, we often reach in our minds for marital jealousy, or maybe sibling jealousy or jealousy between friends. But is there another kind? Is it possible to be jealous of…. everyone?
I am thinking of someone I met who had this air of bitterness and disappointment in their own achievements. It seemed to colour all their interactions with others professionally, as they have never been content with their own lot or their own work. Their envy or jealousy of everyone else’s position made them hard work in conversations, and heaven knows what they are like to live with!
Thinking of how hard we all work these days it would be easy to feel some disappointment if your own fortunes have not met some standard you have unconsciously set for yourself. Then if you perceive (note the wordperceive) that others have fared better than you it might be inclined to spoil your day!
Then it’s time to stop, take stock and set yourself up for some serious self-talk as soon as you can get 10-20 minutes to yourself.
You will be aware that the only thing that matters in this world in the end, is love. People want status and power so they can be looked up to, respected but these are just another form of approval, or love. At maturity, adults can recognise that widespread approval is not as necessary as it was when we were small. This allows us to make decisions based on what is right rather than what will gain us the most approval (except for some politicians, who have never learned the difference!)
If we don’t approve of ourselves, however, and fail either to make a real effort, or to respect ourselves for the effort we have made, then we are lacking in self-respect or self-love, and there is nothing sadder. Without our own approval rather than that of the outside world, then we have a very diminished existence. It is better to like and love yourself than to be fearful of not meeting some outer criteria of success.
This advice is so obvious that we overlook the fact that self-love and self-respect is not something of which we can assume that all children, or indeed all adults, grasp the significance. If we can help each other to see and respect what we truly are inside, we can eliminate jealousy in all its various forms. When I hear a wife complain about her husband, or vice versa, I wonder how much they are insecure in themselves and how I can help them feel more secure.
Women have always been more committed to monogamy than men, but I have had men friends whose lives were so enriched by their spouses that they would not dream of straying, and their wives don’t entertain the idea of their husbands straying, even as a concept.
Having said that, I also know of couples who have been torn apart by one of them going off with someone else. It is not easy to leave a relationship that is troubled, to go into another one straight away, full of hope and promises, when we know that the very same hope and promises have just been shown to be empty over time. If only it were possible to see it coming, to put up a fight for the relationship, to make a new path for the old partnership and preserve the good, while changing the faulty aspects.
When it has already fallen apart, there is nothing to fall back on but self-esteem, and self-love. We look around and see only what has gone, we feel bereft, and we want to hurt back, badly. But this does more damage to the bereaved person’s soul; better to find another way. Love is not a battlefield where you can trade blow-for-blow and the strongest is the victor in the end. Love requires strength more like water, which flows around and above all obstructions, smoothes all rough edges and will dominate over any and all steel and rock in the end.
Find a place in the back of your mind where you know you have done well, and praise yourself for it. Find something you have done really well, and love yourself for it. Keep adding to the items that are good, lovely, worthy, delightful in yourself and store up those items as a ‘bank’ of goodies you can feel with your heart, and love yourself for them when you feel low.
This is hard. When your response to wounding is to wound back, and every part of you wants revenge, it is hard to find a focus that is not on the wrong-doer. But it is really the challenge to our self-esteem that we feel, and is so damaging, so it is worth repairing that self esteem as a matter of urgency. You cannot repair a door while you are still chasing the burglar! Burglars of self-esteem can never be caught, never be wounded back, never will feel the same hurt, the same loss as we do. It is better to spend the time and the emotions in re-constructing our selves and our self-love so that we can move forward.
So how? Make a list, no, make 2 lists!
The first list is made after really taking stock of our appearance. Do you have beautiful eyes? Do you dress well, within your ability or budget? Do you keep your hair and nails clean and tidy? Congratulate yourself if you do. If not, then work on the simple smile in the mirror until you can admire just one thing about yourself. While you are looking at yourself in the mirror, put away those thoughts of “Stupid me!” and tell yourself “I love you, even now, just as you are”, and watch ‘You’ smile back.
The second list is made of things you do for others. No, not how unjust it was to be left when you did xyz for Him all the time….! I mean the things you do for someone who has no expectations at all. Do you say a prayer now and then for someone else? Do you give with an open heart? Do you help others in trouble when they don’t expect it. We can all do jobs for reward that involve helping others, but that is not it. What I really mean is the sort of random acts of kindness that helps us feel really good about ourselves. Write the list.
No list? Nothing to write about? Then this is where you start. Find 3 opportunities in the next 24 hours to hand out from your heart, either time, money or effort (preferably notmoney). Congratulate yourself and add it to your list.
When you have successfully achieved these simple tasks, you are well on your way to repairing your self-esteem, and self-love. It will stand you in good stead as life goes on. Dwell on the good things when you day-dream, or meditate. Dwell on forming an idea of yourself that involves praise, achievement, contentment, and you will soon find that you have access to riches that cannot be taken away.
You will have achieved what many in the western world have ignored, true personal development. You will have plenty to be proud of, and ‘jealousy’ will be just a word in a dictionary.
Live well, laugh often, love always.
Maura
