I thought about women in their 50s and 60s living alone. Then I thought about women in their 70s and 80s and I wondered if there was any difference.
In my practice I see a lot of women of all ages. It seems to me that there are more women willing to live alone now than previously. In my mother’s generation, who are now in their 80s, it was considered unfortunate, and possibly unacceptable, to be alone. Women in that generation were willing to put up with sometimes awful relationships rather than be alone. They took back erring husbands, put up with drinking and demanding partners, rather than face an empty house. That scenario is alas not limited to my mother’s age group.
When circumstances force a woman to live alone, she often suffers from depression that there is no one there to share life’s burdens or enjoy life’s pleasures. It is true that loneliness is a common complaint of single women over 50. However, there is no loneliness as bad as that found inside an empty marriage.
At the age of fifty, a woman has by and large met all the demands of her parents in the first 20-30 years, then of her spouse and kids in the next 20-30 years, so she is ready to give some thought to her own needs at age 50-60.
The feminist movement has been blamed for causing women to walk out on their families in search of themselves. But in recent years I have come to realise that those relationships that were easily quit were doomed anyway. In a good marriage or relationship there is still room for her to explore things to enhance her sense of self, without destroying the whole structure of the family. Smart partners will also come to realise that a woman may be more fun and more interesting if she has more to occupy her mind than the laundry and what’s for dinner.
Part of my mission is to unfold a woman’s potential for exploring the natural world and herself, and to increase her sense of wonder at what she can become. Many stressed and impoverished women, in all walks of life, can barely get their eyes up from their daily toil to see the wonders around them. Partly the misery of symptoms, partly the ebb of time, conspire to induce a sense of drudgery every day. Making room for small miracles, and the larger, quite amazing miracles, will open her mind, heart and spirit to her own potential.
You have no doubt heard me say, time and again, that we get what we expect in this life. If you constantly harp on how bad things are, guess what? Things go on being bad. Try harping on the good things, things you are truly grateful for, and they also emerge, more and more frequently!
If the fear of living alone causes you to put up with dreadful, and I mean ‘dread-ful’ circumstances, Don’t! If your domestic arrangements can possibly allow you to develop yourself further, Do it! No need to have a divorce to do it, just read, plan, and see if your path takes you somewhere interesting.
But living alone has further benefits, which should reassure those of you who feel it is a miserable existence! For instance…
No longer do you have to avoid certain friends because your partner does not like them. No longer do you have to prepare and eat three meals a day.
You can head off to the movies instead of going straight home from work!
You can buy items at the sales without apologising for the cost!
You can dress like a hippie if you wish.
It is difficult to have a row with yourself!
It is difficult to give yourself the silent treatment.
You can have your meal by the fire in your pyjamas if you wish.
You can go to bed with steeling yourself for “the nudge”!
You can forget to put out the bin as only 1 person does not make much rubbish.
Laundry day is short and you don’t have to iron every day. Yay!
Lunch with girlfriends ( or that nice man you met) does not have to be explained.
New hobbies like playing cards, or bush walking need not be approved first.
Etc. Etc. Etc!! See, there are many benefits to solo living. So, if fear is holding you back, don’t worry,
But if you love these……
Warm legs to touch in bed at night,
Someone to make you a cup of tea in the morning,
A partner to talk down the cost of car maintenance, or plumbers,
A hand to hold on long walks,
Birthday and Christmas presents that are surprises,
Sex ( but that is not necessarily absent for singles!)
Someone to manage the accountant, the insurance
Someone you can spoil when you want to,
Someone who will laugh with you about your crazy family,
…then you can still find time for your own development and still love and be loved.
There is a saying that I read recently: The place where you are right now, God had marked on a map for you long ago. So whether you live alone or with someone, do not lament your lot. You can find your own peace wherever you are. Be true to your self and be grateful for your life. If not, you will have to come back and do it all again. Oh Lordy, I couldn’t face it all again, so I better learn the lessons now!